Taking Back The Reins...

First of all, thank you to those of you that commented on my last post for your well wishes and advice... It really does mean so much!

It's been hard for me not to go and delete my last post, simply because I would never post such personal thoughts in a public arena, but I've decided not to. Even though I like to take a back seat sometimes and try and show only the Zoe that I know people like, I don't feel like I should have to censor myself and my thoughts... I am only human after all, and I think we all have moments like I was having the other night. Maybe it will ease the burden to stay "happy" all the time if people know that in reality I'm not always the happy and smiling Zoe you see around the place, I do have my darker days as we all do. But, anyway... just had to get that out :)

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend, mainly about how I can go about trying to change things, and also trying to figure out why I'm feeling like this at the moment. I think part of it is totally obvious, I don't get out enough to do things that I enjoy and see people... See, I am the type of person who hates "wasting time", and I feel as though if I do things for enjoyment, and not for work, it is a waste of time. So, after I wrote my blog post the other night, I went to bed and wrote myself a list (yes, I am a list maniac - LOL) to try and reverse that way of thinking:

* It is not a waste of time to do things that I enjoy
* It is not a waste of time to spend time with people you love
* It is not a waste of time to do the housework (well, come on, any excuse will do - LOL)
* It is not a waste of time to take care of yourself
* It is not a waste of time to have regular time off
* It is not a waste of time to read a book
* It is not a waste of time to sit down and just do nothing for a change
* It is not a waste of time to go to bed at a reasonable hour

And I also wrote a few things to try and remind myself that I am human...

* You can only do what you can do

* You are only one person

* Only work as much as you NEED to

* Try to find a balance so you can get back to enjoying being creative, so that it doesn't feel like a chore

* Take your life back. Make it a good one.

* Take time to reflect on the GOOD things in your life.

* Remember, you are LUCKY. You get to do what you love for a living and not many people get to do that.

* Even if it gets you down, accept that there will be times when your mojo disappears... It is trying to tell you something... It needs a break and will come back after a rest. Accept it and move on, don't analyse it so much.

* You only have one life. And it has a long way to go. Don't screw it up - you can never get it back.

I think when you rely on your creativity for a living, it can be really depressing and stressful when you can't seem to come up with anything... I think I over-analyse that way too much, and get myself into a state of "I'm not good enough to do this anymore", and then it just snowballs into other areas of my life... Silly, and probably very obvious, but I think I just need to accept it as a natural thing and part of this type of work. See, prior to this, I was in Admin Management, and that made sense to me because my work was quantifiable, and I felt like if I got my certain number of jobs done I had achieved something. Designing for a living is a completely different kettle of fish, and sometimes I find it frustrating because my work ISN'T quantifiable. Anyway, at least I guess I am seeing this now, even though it's probably pretty obvious to most - LOL!

Another big thing on a more personal level that I think has been getting at me and making me feel under a lot of stress, is that everyone keeps telling me it's time to have another baby. While I would seriously love to give Josh a little brother or sister, I'm just not quite ready yet. I think I felt so under pressure because we had planned to start trying again in the next couple of months, and I feel like I have so much that I want to do... Like get the house in a better condition, lose weight, get my working schedule a bit better, give up smoking, etc, before I have another baby. And I felt that I would have only a limited amount of time to get it all achieved, like only a couple of weeks, maybe a month, on top of all my other commitments and it was doing my head in. Plus the fact that the next baby will most likely be my last, I feel really sad about that and want to really enjoy my pregnancy next time around. I had such a stressful time with my last pregnancy, with my work at the time and other things, that I don't want it to be like that again. I finally spoke to my husband tonight about it all, and it is such a weight off my shoulders. I think I can finally dig myself out of this hole.

Anyways, thanks for listening again... I just thought I'd post so you don't think that I'm just sitting here like a demented mad woman, and that I have kind of sorted myself out and gotten my head back together to some degree... I really needed someone playing the violins in the background last time didn't I? LOL! Having the weekend off to just hang with the family really helped I think... So, keep your fingers crossed for me that I take my own advice for once and don't end up in the same mess in two weeks - LOL!

G'night! :)

xx Zoe

And Life Moves Along...

Okay, I'm having a super down day today so bear with me... I usually don't like to post much, but who do you talk to at 12:30am and everyone's asleep and you're balling your eyes out? Your blog of course :)

So, I've been having these weird epiphanies I guess you'd call them over the last few weeks... I've worked so hard over the last four years, building my business and spending every spare moment working. I've never felt in that time that I've been missing out on anything by doing that, I just figured I'm doing the best I can for my family and that's the main thing, right? But I'm starting to get the feeling that's not true, I have been missing out on SO much. The most frustrating part, I can't do anything to change that. I can't change how hard I work, and I can't make up for lost time, so what do I do?

I guess it was the classes I did the other week that really opened my eyes to that. I haven't worked outside of the home since I had Josh, almost two years ago. Which means I haven't had social contact with human beings apart from my husband, family and a couple of friends, for almost two years. I've been too busy to miss having a lot of friends and social things. And now I'm kind of mourning that, you know? Like I've never even thought of it as something that's missing from my life, and now I have this big, empty, gaping hole that is completely consuming me. Again, I don't have time now with all of my commitments to change that either.

So, I guess I'm angry. Really angry at myself. For letting THIS become my life. This thing that I am sitting in front of right now. It is my BFF, and that is freaking sad. I hate it, but I don't feel like I can change it. But on the flip side, I can't keep living like this either. Because it is not living. Don't get me wrong, I do love my job and what I do, more than anything, I couldn't live without it either. I get to do some really cool things with my work. The thing is that I have BECOME my work, and that is not healthy. I need to find some sort of BALANCE. And I don't know how to do that.

I've just been thinking of all the times I have missed out on, precious times, because I've been too "busy". How I will carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my life that I missed out on seeing my Nana a few times before she passed away because I had so much work to do. At the time, I didn't think that was wrong, we all have to work after all. But, had I known it would be my last chance to see her, I would have done anything, even thrown my computer out the window. And will all this be worth it, if my Dad dies and I haven't seen him for six months? He lives half an hour away... and I rarely see him, it's awful! My work will never fill that hole.

But I've made my bed and I must lie in it.

I think the thing that has really hit home tonight for me is I feel like life has moved along without me. I was just looking at my best friend, who lives overseas now, on Facebook... She has photos of her with all of her gazillions of friends, looking healthy, happy, enjoying life. SHE IS ENJOYING LIFE. She has moved on, and is happy, without me. I'm not even a blip on the radar anymore. And it's all my fault. That is what set me off. I used to enjoy hanging out on the weekends with my friends, going out, shopping, just SPENDING TIME, breathing easy. I don't do time off now, I can't. My mind is always going 100 miles an hour and I can barely sleep sometimes because I just can't stop THINKING. Thinking of all the things I have to do. First thing every single morning, I stumble down the hall and the first thing I do, without fail, is switch on the computer. And on the rare occasions that I force myself not to switch it on, I can't concentrate, I get all fidgety and panicky. Like I can't live without it. Sad, very sad.

Anyway, I just needed to put what's inside my head into words... Sometimes it just gets too much and I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get it out somehow. And fortunately for Marty he is asleep now so he missed out on my musings for tonight - LOL! Thanks for listening to my random thoughts, and I promise I will post on a more happy note next time... And in the meantime I might try and figure out how to change this little old life of mine.

xx Zoe

Awwwwwww!!

My sister just sent through the cutest photos of my little niece Mali... Isn't she just the cutest little thing?!? Makes me clucky again - LOL! She's two months old already... time just flies way too quickly!!


xx Zoe

The BEST Weekend EVER!!

Hey strangers! :)

Yup, I'm back on the blog slacker train, but it's been for a couple of good reasons... Firstly, I've been working like mad on my new line with MME which will be released at CHA in the next couple of weeks... Might be something familiar (and VERY pretty!) - I will definitely post some previews for you when I can, but I'm sooo excited about this one!

Secondly, earlier this year I was asked to do a series of traditional scrapping classes at this weekend's Scrapbooking and Craft expo at the Brisbane convention centre... I honestly had no idea what this whole thing would be about, seeing as I'm usually on the OTHER side of the whole thing! But, it was absolutely AMAZING!! I had an absolute ball, and now I'm convinced my calling in life is to be a scrapping tutor - LOL! Those of you who know me will know that while I do scrapbook, I wouldn't consider myself to be an expert, and this was in last week's newspaper - LOL! I was so worried that there would be serious misconceptions happening after this was written about me!! And UGH - that photo!! (Girls who attended my classes, now you know WHY I wore that stupid hat all weekend - LMAO!)


Anyway, after many nerves and sleepless nights, this weekend finally arrived, and now it's all over and done with... And I am SO sad! I absolutely loved every minute of it, and feel like I'm made 200 new friends. Seriously, everyone who attended my classes were all wonderful, and I had an absolute ball! If you were there, and happened to get some pics with me, please do send me some - I'd love to see! (You will have my email address on your instruction booklets). I was so overwhelmed by the support I received this weekend... So many of my girls would do one class and then book in for all three because they enjoyed them so much, and I tell you as someone who is as critical of their work as me, that really does mean the world to me!! And, I have to give a BIG shout out to my girls Kareena & Peta, my very staunchest supporters all the way from WA, Lee my very favourite kiwi who came all the way from NEW ZEALAND (!!!!!), all of my new friends at Memories To Remember, and I simply cannot forget the wonderful Teneale Williams who calmed my nerves from the very beginning! And of course Luisa & Angella at Addicted To Craft who gave me this wonderful opportunity to start with! To all of you, and EVERYONE else who I got the chance to meet over the weekend (I simply cannot name everyone, but believe me, I will remember you always!), thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support! :) I hope to see you again sometime! :)

Okay, I've really got to have an early night, but I thought I'd post about that before it goes into the time warp that is my brain - LOL! Thanks for reading, and I hope you all have a fantastic week! :)

xx Zoe