Taking Back The Reins...

First of all, thank you to those of you that commented on my last post for your well wishes and advice... It really does mean so much!

It's been hard for me not to go and delete my last post, simply because I would never post such personal thoughts in a public arena, but I've decided not to. Even though I like to take a back seat sometimes and try and show only the Zoe that I know people like, I don't feel like I should have to censor myself and my thoughts... I am only human after all, and I think we all have moments like I was having the other night. Maybe it will ease the burden to stay "happy" all the time if people know that in reality I'm not always the happy and smiling Zoe you see around the place, I do have my darker days as we all do. But, anyway... just had to get that out :)

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend, mainly about how I can go about trying to change things, and also trying to figure out why I'm feeling like this at the moment. I think part of it is totally obvious, I don't get out enough to do things that I enjoy and see people... See, I am the type of person who hates "wasting time", and I feel as though if I do things for enjoyment, and not for work, it is a waste of time. So, after I wrote my blog post the other night, I went to bed and wrote myself a list (yes, I am a list maniac - LOL) to try and reverse that way of thinking:

* It is not a waste of time to do things that I enjoy
* It is not a waste of time to spend time with people you love
* It is not a waste of time to do the housework (well, come on, any excuse will do - LOL)
* It is not a waste of time to take care of yourself
* It is not a waste of time to have regular time off
* It is not a waste of time to read a book
* It is not a waste of time to sit down and just do nothing for a change
* It is not a waste of time to go to bed at a reasonable hour

And I also wrote a few things to try and remind myself that I am human...

* You can only do what you can do

* You are only one person

* Only work as much as you NEED to

* Try to find a balance so you can get back to enjoying being creative, so that it doesn't feel like a chore

* Take your life back. Make it a good one.

* Take time to reflect on the GOOD things in your life.

* Remember, you are LUCKY. You get to do what you love for a living and not many people get to do that.

* Even if it gets you down, accept that there will be times when your mojo disappears... It is trying to tell you something... It needs a break and will come back after a rest. Accept it and move on, don't analyse it so much.

* You only have one life. And it has a long way to go. Don't screw it up - you can never get it back.

I think when you rely on your creativity for a living, it can be really depressing and stressful when you can't seem to come up with anything... I think I over-analyse that way too much, and get myself into a state of "I'm not good enough to do this anymore", and then it just snowballs into other areas of my life... Silly, and probably very obvious, but I think I just need to accept it as a natural thing and part of this type of work. See, prior to this, I was in Admin Management, and that made sense to me because my work was quantifiable, and I felt like if I got my certain number of jobs done I had achieved something. Designing for a living is a completely different kettle of fish, and sometimes I find it frustrating because my work ISN'T quantifiable. Anyway, at least I guess I am seeing this now, even though it's probably pretty obvious to most - LOL!

Another big thing on a more personal level that I think has been getting at me and making me feel under a lot of stress, is that everyone keeps telling me it's time to have another baby. While I would seriously love to give Josh a little brother or sister, I'm just not quite ready yet. I think I felt so under pressure because we had planned to start trying again in the next couple of months, and I feel like I have so much that I want to do... Like get the house in a better condition, lose weight, get my working schedule a bit better, give up smoking, etc, before I have another baby. And I felt that I would have only a limited amount of time to get it all achieved, like only a couple of weeks, maybe a month, on top of all my other commitments and it was doing my head in. Plus the fact that the next baby will most likely be my last, I feel really sad about that and want to really enjoy my pregnancy next time around. I had such a stressful time with my last pregnancy, with my work at the time and other things, that I don't want it to be like that again. I finally spoke to my husband tonight about it all, and it is such a weight off my shoulders. I think I can finally dig myself out of this hole.

Anyways, thanks for listening again... I just thought I'd post so you don't think that I'm just sitting here like a demented mad woman, and that I have kind of sorted myself out and gotten my head back together to some degree... I really needed someone playing the violins in the background last time didn't I? LOL! Having the weekend off to just hang with the family really helped I think... So, keep your fingers crossed for me that I take my own advice for once and don't end up in the same mess in two weeks - LOL!

G'night! :)

xx Zoe