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Saturday, June 27, 2009

And Life Moves Along...

Okay, I'm having a super down day today so bear with me... I usually don't like to post much, but who do you talk to at 12:30am and everyone's asleep and you're balling your eyes out? Your blog of course :)

So, I've been having these weird epiphanies I guess you'd call them over the last few weeks... I've worked so hard over the last four years, building my business and spending every spare moment working. I've never felt in that time that I've been missing out on anything by doing that, I just figured I'm doing the best I can for my family and that's the main thing, right? But I'm starting to get the feeling that's not true, I have been missing out on SO much. The most frustrating part, I can't do anything to change that. I can't change how hard I work, and I can't make up for lost time, so what do I do?

I guess it was the classes I did the other week that really opened my eyes to that. I haven't worked outside of the home since I had Josh, almost two years ago. Which means I haven't had social contact with human beings apart from my husband, family and a couple of friends, for almost two years. I've been too busy to miss having a lot of friends and social things. And now I'm kind of mourning that, you know? Like I've never even thought of it as something that's missing from my life, and now I have this big, empty, gaping hole that is completely consuming me. Again, I don't have time now with all of my commitments to change that either.

So, I guess I'm angry. Really angry at myself. For letting THIS become my life. This thing that I am sitting in front of right now. It is my BFF, and that is freaking sad. I hate it, but I don't feel like I can change it. But on the flip side, I can't keep living like this either. Because it is not living. Don't get me wrong, I do love my job and what I do, more than anything, I couldn't live without it either. I get to do some really cool things with my work. The thing is that I have BECOME my work, and that is not healthy. I need to find some sort of BALANCE. And I don't know how to do that.

I've just been thinking of all the times I have missed out on, precious times, because I've been too "busy". How I will carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my life that I missed out on seeing my Nana a few times before she passed away because I had so much work to do. At the time, I didn't think that was wrong, we all have to work after all. But, had I known it would be my last chance to see her, I would have done anything, even thrown my computer out the window. And will all this be worth it, if my Dad dies and I haven't seen him for six months? He lives half an hour away... and I rarely see him, it's awful! My work will never fill that hole.

But I've made my bed and I must lie in it.

I think the thing that has really hit home tonight for me is I feel like life has moved along without me. I was just looking at my best friend, who lives overseas now, on Facebook... She has photos of her with all of her gazillions of friends, looking healthy, happy, enjoying life. SHE IS ENJOYING LIFE. She has moved on, and is happy, without me. I'm not even a blip on the radar anymore. And it's all my fault. That is what set me off. I used to enjoy hanging out on the weekends with my friends, going out, shopping, just SPENDING TIME, breathing easy. I don't do time off now, I can't. My mind is always going 100 miles an hour and I can barely sleep sometimes because I just can't stop THINKING. Thinking of all the things I have to do. First thing every single morning, I stumble down the hall and the first thing I do, without fail, is switch on the computer. And on the rare occasions that I force myself not to switch it on, I can't concentrate, I get all fidgety and panicky. Like I can't live without it. Sad, very sad.

Anyway, I just needed to put what's inside my head into words... Sometimes it just gets too much and I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get it out somehow. And fortunately for Marty he is asleep now so he missed out on my musings for tonight - LOL! Thanks for listening to my random thoughts, and I promise I will post on a more happy note next time... And in the meantime I might try and figure out how to change this little old life of mine.

xx Zoe

6 comments:

Jennifer Wilson said...

Hi Zoe - sorry to hear you've been feeling down. You've had a bit of an awakening here and I want to encourage you to grab onto it, not push it aside.

Anyone can get burnt out by not finding balance. It's like a see saw and you're weighted down on one hand.

What small changes can you make so that you can spend more time relaxing off the computer or with friends and family? Are there ways you can be more efficient through batch processing? Can you set yourself up with a time budget, especially for things like the forums? Can you outsource some of the time-consuming tasks that take away from your art, to your CT or to an outside person?

Good luck! Your designs are so beautiful and I want to see you continue to succeed in business and in your personal life!

shell said...

Hi Zoe....
I have nothing to say that can really help you in any way. Only you can know what makes you happy and how to go about changing the things in your life that you want to change. All I can do is give you a huge cyber hug and wish you all the best in getting your life to where you want it to be.
**HUGS**
shell xoxo

Anonymous said...

Zoe, thank you for sharing this post. It shows a very human side. We all feel this way sometimes and it take a lot of courage to put that out there for all the world to see.

Its obvious that you feel overwhelmed. I agree with what Jen Wilson said - it might be time to lean on your CT more. They could work on your blog, advertise your new releases, maybe even build blog templates with your designs...

Hang in there. You have lots of people - many you don't even know - sending good wishes and virtual hugs to you!

Pam

Katja said...

Hi Zoe, lovely meeting you at the Expo...try to take away the positives, the things you enjoy like teaching and making new friends. Maybe you could make some more time for teaching, possibly at a local scrapbook store? I know finding a balance can often be difficult. I'm sitting here writing this @11pm. I should be reading a book. Maybe try to keep a couple of nights a week free where you do no computer work at all. Wishing you best of luck and I hope we can catch up sometime soon! The girls from Memories2Remember xo

Amber said...

Zoe,

I came over here because I'm typing tomorrow's My Mind's Eye blog post about your new line.

I struggle with that same thing. You are not alone in that. I feel that if I gave up "working" that I would lose a part of me, but know that it also gets in the way of other VERY important parts as well.

I think the best thing is to find "balance". It's different for all of us. You will know it when you find it.

This line of work is work, but it's also supposed to bring enjoyment. Anytime I'm not feeling that enjoyment, I step back and evaluate what direction I'm heading in. Sometimes my evaluations come daily!

Good luck! (LOVE the new line)

Dawn (flowergal36) said...

Zoe.... I am so sorry to see that your sad. I have felt so many of the same feelings you have in so many ways. I too spent so much time when I was younger being too busy. I think it is awesome that you are taking the steps to change that. I think we take life for granted sometimes. Our society feels it is more important to be successful than to be loved. I want to tell you that you have amazing talent. I am so loving your work. It has a uniqueness all its own. You have inspired me. That counts too. Being a mom in itself is a full time job. To work on top of that is incredible. So give yourself a huge pat on the back. You are one of the few that realize what life is really all about. Hugs to you.. I love your work and your blog. I am hoping you continue down this creative path. I also hope that you get to readjust to make it all work..